“But – it wears off, don’t it?”

I’m getting better at the blogging lifestyle and letting vulnerability coax me away from fear.

I am stubborn when it hurts me most.

If pride is the devil then he surely taunts my humility.

But I don’t always know the difference between confidence and arrogance

So I tend to filter myself a bit – I guess I, too wear a mask

I don’t know whose lens I am seen through, and if perception of self is most pivotal – well then.

Shape shifting and blending in I felt once protected me.

But now I see the internal aftermath.

*** For those who enjoy my posts: thank you. I really enjoy the different voices and talents that I read and interact with here. I have made many strides and improvements to my blog, please do consider checking it out. Many of you have been consistent with this for years and it’s just very refreshing to receive inspiration and feedback. I value this community and it keeps a fire lit in my spirit.

If you would like to connect across platforms, please see my links below.

I am embracing consistency, flirting with self love, and allowing clarity to rebirth truths only necessary for my growth. God is good.

I would like to share a few previous blog posts:

“Do you have the time? I’m late but I’m here.”

https://jusjesspoetry.org/2023/05/09/do-you-have-the-time-im-late-but-im-here-1/

“Sharing a brief walk down memory lane- in a poem, a few pictures, and a spoken word video”

https://jusjesspoetry.org/2023/05/13/sharing-a-brief-walk-down-memory-lane-in-a-poem-a-few-pictures-and-a-spoken-word-video/

As always, thank you for viewing.

May 26, 2023 0

Factory Reset

Do you have any collections?

Photos – 11,053 in an iPhone 13 Pro Max – 15,913 in an iPhone 13 mini

Videos & Screenshots

Red flags

Electronic records that I’ll likely never file

Excuses

White flags that once were red

Paint . Lots of paint.

Reasons to run

Pictures that I have yet to hang up – for years

Pens that erase – well, for the most part

Hundreds of typed notes and random quirky lines that I just might use later

Old phone numbers & Apple ID’s

Secrets

Passwords – like dozens of them.

Folders of Google Docs and all those ideas that I let fizzle out

Jokes that I’ll never tell but are practiced over and over in my head – still funny though.

May 25, 2023 0

“All Fairytales Have That One Thing in Common”

Please enjoy this poem and the short video that accompanies it.

Potential & a Past
Penetration & a Promise
Pillowtalk
&
Stimulation

Singing familiar songs
Off key, but professing a history of musical training

Complaining.
Nit-picking
The cluster B
Personality

Read me
Tell me a story,
But today, add a little more spice.

Fascinating.

Discovering that fairy tales give false hope
To lost little girls.
Oh, fuck.
Wait, you want to do what?
RIGHT NOW?

Umm, okay.
Take me away.

Soaring high across the sky
I’m a bird I’m a butterfly.
Damn it. I’m a moth
I’m a maggot I’m a
Fool
For fantasy.
Sure, go ahead.
Lie to me some more.

But:
Do you remember which part you stopped at last time?

Yeah, that part. It was getting good.

Thank you for viewing! I have also made some major improvements to my blog, please consider taking a brief browse. I will be steadily improving it!

https://jusjesspoetry.org

May 25, 2023 0

On the note of what to leave behind:

What is the legacy you want to leave behind?

On the note of what to leave behind

As I run in circles through my mind

I know that I have left a footprint or two

But how the marks are interpreted will be up to you.

For my children I could save some cash

But without passing on financial literacy, how long would it last?

I can imprint in their minds a strong, superhuman mother

But that would be an illusion

As there have been times when I was driven by pain and delusion.

So here I am at 35 trying to stay well –

I want to stay alive.

And for the rest of my days

I will be sure that I leave behind

A legacy of craftsmanship, notes of expression, even the frowned upon kind.

And I will show that it is possible to

Step out of a tumultuous state of mind

No matter if it is self inflicted,

Stuck for years or even the

Neurospicy kind.

I desire to leave behind

Happy memories

That far outweigh

The pounds of despair

On any bad day

I have laid out so much of myself,

Continued growth is the only option left.

I want my legacy to be as appreciated as

Millions of dollars that carry families through generations

I want to capture the warmth

The pride the very indescribable

Sentiments that make people want to thrive.

That is how we keep faith and hope alive.

May 24, 2023 0

“Rank these in their order of importance to you…”

I like walking in the woods. I like walking along trails. I like being near any body of water that I possibly can. I like exploring new places and taking spontaneous road trips. I like women. More than I like men.

Resiliency, spiritual journey, confusion, anger, and pain. 90% of it self inflicted. Finding self. Loving self? I’m almost there, but definitely more than I did this time last year. Or the year before that. Or the year before that.

Fun fact: it is not fun cutting off toxic people. Rejection sensitivity, chronic over thinking, and then seemingly searching for your place now that you are a “new you,” is intense.

Even more fucked up fact: sometimes birds of a feather do flock together. Sometimes you are the company you keep. And sometimes misery loves company. Cliche? Yeah. But true.

I was toxic as hell because I chose to only operate out of trauma. I was a manipulator. A liar. A drug user. A firecracker. A shape shifter. A mask wearer. Probably even a sex addict. I was lost. I was hurt. I was negative and very pessimistic about life in general.

My last relationship was no healthier than the one before that. And the one before that. And the one before that.

No more blame game truthfully I learned first hand the spectrum of cluster B personality disorders and how entangled they can become. Empath vs Narcissist, Borderline Personality Disorder vs Narcissist Personality Disorder. Male, female, non-binary, transgender. No matter who is who and who is “what,” it comes down to a choice of wanting better.

But in keeping up gratitude, I must be thankful for the lessons learned in every choice that I have made. The good ones. The horrible ones. The fun ones. The rewarding ones. The dumb ones. And the wonderful ones to come.

I made this cute little graphic after my appointment with an occupational therapist. Well to be honest, I made it while “attending” the 30 minute virtual appointment. I’m a work in progress.

Thank you for reading this reflection.