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Tag: motherhood

Poem “Resolution” – and an update of sorts

I affirm that I am on the path to reach my goals. My goals as a writer couldn’t be obtained until I obtained stability. I have shared a ton of personal things about my life here on this blog, and if you’ve been following then you may have seen not only an improvement in my writing skill, but in my ability to go beyond the tone that my blog initially displayed. The appearance and professional accents of my blog stand out a tad more now as well.

I have a poem that I enjoyed writing recently, and I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it outside of posting onto my personal social media. Because my blog is home to me, it will be shared here first. As I continue my self publishing journey I’m sure that it will be seen again. Very soon. Thank you for viewing.

Here is “Resolution.”

I also realize that I don’t often share information about my latest poetry collection. But now that I know a little more about blogging and settings and links, here is a link to The Girl is Awake on Amazon.

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On the note of what to leave behind:

What is the legacy you want to leave behind?

On the note of what to leave behind

As I run in circles through my mind

I know that I have left a footprint or two

But how the marks are interpreted will be up to you.

For my children I could save some cash

But without passing on financial literacy, how long would it last?

I can imprint in their minds a strong, superhuman mother

But that would be an illusion

As there have been times when I was driven by pain and delusion.

So here I am at 35 trying to stay well –

I want to stay alive.

And for the rest of my days 

I will be sure that I leave behind

A legacy of craftsmanship, notes of expression, even the frowned upon kind.

And I will show that it is possible to

Step out of a tumultuous state of mind

No matter if it is self inflicted,

Stuck for years or even the

Neurospicy kind.

I desire to leave behind

Happy memories

That far outweigh

The pounds of despair

On any bad day

I have laid out so much of myself,

Continued growth is the only option left.

I want my legacy to be as appreciated as 

Millions of dollars that carry families through generations

I want to capture the warmth

The pride the very indescribable

Sentiments that make people want to thrive.

That is how we keep faith and hope alive.

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POST 2 on Faith without Works – 2012 vs 2022

This collection of poetry started coming to me during an awakening of sorts, and I felt compelled to self publish this in 2022. It represents a journey that I can’t quite describe, but I am very thankful for it. 34 poems published during my 34th year of life. The growth displayed between my 2012 publication speaks volumes. Here are 4 pieces.

***As always with my works: TRIGGER WARNING

“The Girl is Awake” 2022
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Faith without Works 2012 vs 2022 – Post 1

I often reflect on the growth displayed in my works. I must also remind myself of why I do what I do. Writing keeps me alive. But I must continue to work towards not only my wellness, but all things that enable me to thrive. I am sharing here a sample of my self published collection from 2012. Please enjoy this post and the ones to follow.

I will do a couple of these posts not only for comparison purposes, but also as a reminder to myself.

As always with my works, TRIGGER WARNING.

“Contemplation of my Reflection” 2012
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Identity

I am always my authentic self in my works, but admittedly if it isn’t well received I find myself doing that dance with self doubt. I love the positive feedback that I receive from the transparency that is displayed along my journey through my writing, but I need not let that be a determining factor for validity. Here is my poem “Identity.”

While some of society throws their bibles at the misunderstood

(is it funny?)

Mix in “Some of this and some of that”

I can’t stop studying!

(research)

My quest for knowledge has been centered around helping and understanding others.

Noble causes

(fulfilling)

But one missed clause is –

I FORGOT ABOUT MY DAMN SELF

Psychosocial development

(why does she share so much?)

Well:

Either she could no longer be here and OTHERS can tell her story

OR

She could be here to tell it herself.

She stands on her vulnerability 

Ten toes down rather than facing up

Nature walks on the soil 

Rather than being one with it

Dissociation, splitting

Protective mode

Depersonalization

Snap out of it, zoning out

(She’s so weird)

Identity confusion

The fine line between brilliance and insanity.

While society throws their bibles at the misunderstood

There may have been pieces of herself in which she lacked but what she does have 

(COURAGE)

It’s okay. She’s fine. Are you?

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Bound

Significant strangers tied together by a tree. 

What is the root that connects me to you and you to me?

I gotta take what I feel, and put it in writing

Because surely those first two lines come off disrespectful,

I must hold myself accountable and not be neglectful. 

After I talk to God, I feel free.

Free to voice myself more effectively.

But I’d be a liar if I said that  those thoughts and questions didn’t keep resurfacing.

I learned some pretty deep things recently, that added to a plethora of secrets

It made my mind explode a bit,

And then it enhanced my understanding.

Some things are better left unsaid, which is why things get swept under rugs. The skeletons in the closet are no longer decaying carcasses being eaten away by bugs…

But now they are 

Silenced spirits once bound by fear.

Emotions aren’t weakness, is it weak only when the unpleasant ones I am displaying?

What is the underlying message in the guidance that we are portraying? 

Breaking free from the things that many won’t know of

While removing accusations cuz 

I am trying to rise above

All of the things I once allowed to hinder me

Render me 

Crazy 

Render me 

Ungrateful 

Render me

Entitled

Render me 

Complaining

But you won’t be able to render me

Unhealed, stuck, trapped in my mind

Seeking approval until the day that I die.

It’s admirable to go against the grain 

And when I was a child I knew that writing would save my life.

Surely didn’t anticipate the consequences that would await 

Surely I didn’t know my fate.

I know that it sounds taboo,

It may even feel taboo,

But: 

Many of us are embracing different methods,

And we fully appreciate and value all that those before us fought for and endured. 

Gratitude because without you, we wouldn’t have access to the tools. 

All I am saying is I’m holding on by the grace of God and by the very letters that form these lines of poetry

That simply display my soul.

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Baa Baa EBON Sheep

It gets a bit tiring,

Being led by your inner voice.

It feels a bit lonely,

Realizing that you must stand alone

Feeling like that one sheep who went astray,

But even after being encouraged to return and complying,

There is something different inside.

Looking in the sky

Wondering why

God didn’t allow you to succeed

In being lost forever.

You feel those feelings, those feelings are valid.

You cry, you feel unheard,

You feel alone,

But you need THIS MOMENT THIS FEELING.

How dare I question God?

Obviously, my old methods didn’t quite cut it.

And so:

If I am the lost sheep who listened

And decided to return,

If I am a different shade than those around me,

If my wool is matted, quite patchy, quite undesirable,

And I don’t fit the mold which serves profitable

To internal voids,

It is then that I can stop questioning my worth, my value, and my existence

I must affirm.

Emerging and ripping through,

I am shedding outer layers of skin,

The first layer self-sabotage, the second layer comfort.

Damn. Thanks, voice within.

Baa Baa EBON Sheep

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Voilà Moment

“Individuals on the journey eventually find themselves experiencing a baptism by fire. It’s that moment when they are just about to lose their lives and they miraculously, courageously find the answer that gives their life meaning. And that meaning, that answer, saves them.”

– Viola Davis

In chapter one of “Finding Me,” Viola Davis speaks on her purpose. And how much bigger her purpose is than what she thought it was during her childhood. Letting go of expectations of society and removing self in order to tune into the purpose that God placed on her life. Remarkable! For even in our faults our journeys can inspire others.

For even in our faults,

We can inspire others!

We? Can inspire others? Our purpose is bigger than us. Our purpose is bigger than US?

Yes! Years of therapy, years of not really knowing myself, years of not LOVING me, but ME?

I- I can?

I can. And I will.

But letting go of that fear, SHIT! How?

All I ever wanted to do was write. I longed to highlight the keys to the very things I did not feel inside. I wanted to help people, interview homeless people, feed them, help them with housing. I dreamed of writing for the Winston-Salem Journal. I dreamed of making a difference, not so much Captain Planet style, but more like Robin Hood and like saving abused and sad orphans like Annie, as my very childlike perceptions of those stories on the TV fed the humanitarian in me. In between breaks of the fantasy world of Disney movies, I nurtured the side of me that wanted to make a positive impact on the world around me. I wanted to help troubled youth and struggling families for I knew a lot about what they were feeling inside. I knew the impact of the cries a mother makes at night when she thinks her kids are asleep, as she is tired, overworked and underpaid but has no time to focus on her problems because she’s taking care of her kids on her own.

I look around and I see the busy hustle and bustle of the daily chase and rush to – I don’t know where everyone is in such a rush to go. Or to be. But yes, I was in that rush. Internally.

I wanted to help people. I wouldn’t know until my mid-thirties that I needed to have first helped myself so that my voice could be more effective. I think that the initial fueling of the flame helped to continue reminding me of my potential, for I admittedly became lost in my own troubles and sorrows and “woe is me” modes. No matter how deep I submerged myself, no matter how many times I attempted to drown, that darn fire kept igniting and alerting my subconscious, my spirit, my heart.

And today I can firmly state:

There is no more fighting my purpose.

Over time these sparks of ideas, goals, callings. They wouldn’t freaking stop!

No matter how perceived, I must continue to follow what I am destined to do. It is bigger than me. And always has been. Cliché but illumination in a realm of darkness is hard to ignore. And a pursuit of normalcy is still a bore, anyway.

Voilà Moment

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Metaphoric Dream State

I’ll be among those who admit:

“So many times I tried to ignore it.”

That voice, that intuition,

That spiritual guidance that reminds us of our missions.

But in my dream, I saw a raven.

Was it similar to Poe’s grief, the underlying message?

Or, for me, was it a symbol of rebirth?

For in my dream a dark ship sailed,

It bobbed up and down in the ocean

As if it were no bigger than a child’s ball in a bathtub.

Feelings of defeat began to surface.

Was I worth this?

For surely a deep sense of loss has overcome me

Hanging like a dark cloud I almost wish would engulf me.

Surely a sense of loneliness comes quite often.

Water is healing,

Truth is often hidden,

But life eventually does the revealing.

The raven was carved into the bow of the ship.

This bird was its guide

And sure I thought the ship would plummet 

Into the dark waters of that night,

But!

Suddenly there was a light.

Fire!

The eyes

Of the raven

Blazed!

As it provided guiding light,

A sense of bravery overcame me as I slept.

Tears of joy, tears of gratitude. 

Tears.

I woke up, saw my sleeping baby, 

Thanked God, 

And went back to sleep.

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An ode to motherhood

Becoming a mother at a young age –

Challenging, yes.

Lack of sleep, mapping out my goals to coincide with the tasks ahead – which I had no idea what it meant other than

“I’m going to have a cute little baby. And then I’ll graduate high school.”

There are tips and tricks and hacks and advice and recommendations across the board

Generations of “don’t do this”

And

“You better do that”

None of it could have prepared me.

Now – there were times when I didn’t think I was good enough,

Making a way out of no way, pursuing careers, getting an education,

Breaking down thinking I should do more – not realizing that I was already a hero of sorts.

I keep my shortcomings real and through growth and transparency- you all, my three

Will continue to be proud of me. Never again will my own personal struggles stand in the way or potentially jeopardize your futures.

For a leader is not the one who is or seeks to be perfect.

In her actions, in her mistakes, in her lessons learned –

That my sons, my daughter, is how I lead my home.

Love truth respect

I am a safe place

You’ll never forget.

I said it before and I’ll say it again,

My transparency is clear to prevent you from having to heal from me.

An ode to motherhood.

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