fbpx

Tag: lgbtqiaplus

“Rank these in their order of importance to you…”

I like walking in the woods. I like walking along trails. I like being near any body of water that I possibly can. I like exploring new places and taking spontaneous road trips. I like women. More than I like men.

Resiliency, spiritual journey, confusion, anger, and pain. 90% of it self inflicted. Finding self. Loving self? I’m almost there, but definitely more than I did this time last year. Or the year before that. Or the year before that.

Fun fact: it is not fun cutting off toxic people. Rejection sensitivity, chronic over thinking, and then seemingly searching for your place now that you are a “new you,” is intense. 

Even more fucked up fact: sometimes birds of a feather do flock together. Sometimes you are the company you keep. And sometimes misery loves company. Cliche? Yeah. But true.

I was toxic as hell because I chose to only operate out of trauma. I was a manipulator. A liar. A drug user. A firecracker. A shape shifter. A mask wearer. Probably even a sex addict. I was lost. I was hurt. I was negative and very pessimistic about life in general.

My last relationship was no healthier than the one before that. And the one before that. And the one before that.

No more blame game truthfully I learned first hand the spectrum of cluster B personality disorders and how entangled they can become. Empath vs Narcissist, Borderline Personality Disorder vs Narcissist Personality Disorder. Male, female, non-binary, transgender. No matter who is who and who is “what,” it comes down to a choice of wanting better.

But in keeping up gratitude, I must be thankful for the lessons learned in every choice that I have made. The good ones. The horrible ones. The fun ones. The rewarding ones. The dumb ones. And the wonderful ones to come.

I made this cute little graphic after my appointment with an occupational therapist. Well to be honest, I made it while “attending” the 30 minute virtual appointment. I’m a work in progress.

Thank you for reading this reflection.

0

Who are you?

I want to be a voice that positively impacts society 

But I can’t if I’m a hypocrite.

Bereft of hope 

Do standards eliminate sacrifice?

The standards of love: 

In order to keep her must she be stifled or controlled?

Must she be forced to research the roles that make her of more value?

Can she be vocal? Or must she whisper?

In what realm does divine feminine co-exist with societal superiority? 

Does my appreciation of the freedom in self expression lead to a life of loneliness if seen as a transgression? 

What is seen isn’t always equally equated 

But that depends on who is operating the scale

Attributes that are genuine aren’t often for sale

What do I want?

2

Reflect


At times I feel like a mirror
Mirroring the actions of others
Others seem to not give a f**k what they say
Say you love me
Me Who is me Who are you
You seem confused
Confused dazed and amazed
A maze of mystery and bulls**t

Bulls**t was a fun card game cuz I lie
Lies living in fantasy the spreading of thighs


Thigh highs were a thing are they still cool now
Nowadays society is trippin


Tripping slipping trying to figure this stuff out
Out of the way to avoid the truth
Truth is none of us have it all figured out


Outcast
Outlandish
Outsider
Outnumbered
Outbalance

I’m out here b*tchin about the struggles of mediocre living but also made it out of nothing so to speak.

Complaining makes me feel weak,
And so I reflect daily, knowing simplistic ways of being are just fine with me.

0

Trail Walk Whispers

Which version of the vision do I want to believe?

Which one is too much, too big of a task for me?

The growth has become uncomfortable,

It’s inconvenient.

The dreams are intensifying,

There is no more denying

No comfort zone left to hide in.

Interesting how the former people pleaser

No longer finds her self-worth and value through-

Wait, wow. 

I see what You did there.

God, You do have a sense of humor,

And comic relief is needed along the journey. 

There are days in which the blazing sun 

Keeps me balanced,

When endless, anxious pacing becomes trail walking

Feeling the wind whisper to me.

Those days those dreams those moments those confirmations

They outweigh the depths of the lows 

In which I spent questioning myself.

Granted sometimes I wake up with the best of intentions,

And I pray and meditate and find that things still go array in sync 

For me to crumble to pieces, 

I see that a little less of me breaks off, 

A little more of me puts helpful skills in place,

A lot more of me loves that radiant face

That stares back in the mirror.

What’s more?

I am pouring the importance of self love into my daughter,

And this and much more critical lessons into my sons.

Never did I ever feel so good 

About where I am in life,

Even if I was knocking on the door of self defeat

Just hours prior to such a frequent revelation of gratitude.

I want to live

And show my children 

That no matter what you face in this world,

No matter what tries to stop you 

From one of the most innate achievements of life,

Happiness,

It is a choice, as are many things.

Even when I was in the lowest places of my life,

Whether that place was:

Locked in a bathroom,

In a parking lot,

In a hospital,

Lost in my identity,

Lost in my head.

They will see my resilience. 

They will see that I stepped out of me,

And I anticipate answering those difficult questions.

They deserve that, 

I had no clue how to maintain a stable, healthy life but somewhere down the line, 

You either do it, or you don’t. 

You embrace change and growth, or you don’t.

You listen to the plan, you take that pain and you turn it into purpose, or you could so easily become lost in it.

Trail walking, whispering, talking to God.

0

What Would it Mean to Touch the Sun?

What would it mean to touch the sun?

Silly me and my vivid dreams.

Create the life you desire.

Don’t get too close to the fire.

Create the safe haven you have always been seeking.

Silly girl, you won’t find it in other people.

Safety net

Safe place

Shame 

Vulnerability

Disgrace.

Guilt trip.

Healing,

Revealing the ugly sides of self, too.

Silly girl, healing doesn’t guarantee that anyone will understand you.

Internal growth isn’t for show or acceptance

It’s for peace

Self love,

Connection with God above.

What would it mean to touch the sun?

Would I combust into pieces

And then dissipate into nothingness?

Wouldn’t that sting at first

But then lead to eternal bliss?

Is the sun the gateway to freedom?

I don’t want to open one more door

That could lead to disappointment

But what enjoyment comes

From living a life in solitude?

2

F**k That

Too boy to be girl

But all identifying parts were intact – for now.

Twiddly dee, twiddly dae,

Too hetero-like to be gay.

Not quite Phantom of the Opera,

But I sure liked Annie and Grease,

Not too far from Christianity,

I dunno much about any deities.

Washing machine, washing machine,

Make my brain go round and round.

Walking by flyers for poetry slams

Cuz I got stage fright,

So this’ll do for now. 

Damn damn,

My oh my,

I won’t wear shame

As time passes me by,

Label me this

Label me that

Label me happy,

Cuz stress?

F**k that.

0

Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑