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Round of applause for healing? Girl, bye.

My concept of love has always been distorted. Correction: my concepts of love used to be pretty inaccurate. Parts of my growth mean a change in my perception. 

Sometimes good people cross paths at a time when they should be focused on healing but they – we… we tend to choose to hold on rather than do what is logical. Holding on and trying to force things can easily lead to a volatile outcome. 

I say so many times that moments of weakness made me stay in unhealthy relationships or caused me to be a codependent people pleasing enabler. But I have been able to wipe my lens to reveal something more.

In retrospect, I have been in committed relationships with amazing people. Healthy, loving individuals. But I was not ready to be who they deserved. I can honestly say that there are many people who never got to know the healthy, balanced, positive version of me. And once I became firm in being a better Jessica, I became angered when some people didn’t care to meet this Jessica. The other Jessica had done too much damage. I have had and do have and will continue to have healthy, flourishing friendships. I now see that quality is more important than quantity. And location. 

And as forgiveness is a must, I forgive myself for my detrimental past of hurting others. This extends to past friendships, relationships, and family members who I have caused any pain to. 

My choice to release certain narratives cannot and will not be for approval or acceptance. But initially, that is what I thought healing would do for me. Maybe I envisioned myself stepping into an auditorium and being met with a massive round of applause because, “Hot damn, Jessica is really doing so much better now. She’s healed!” 

My concept of self has always been distorted. Correction: my concepts of self used to be pretty inaccurate. Parts of my growth led to a change in my perception. 

I could go on, and I probably will. But I will save that for another blog post. 

As always, thank you for viewing.

What’s she doin?

Without a care in the world

That odd ass girl

Sat on her patio

Swaying from side to side the other day.

Eyes red and puffy in that obvious way,

She had been crying or something.

Listen, that odd ass girl,

That odd ass girl plays her music

And gazes towards the sun,

Walks that little, old dog

Smiling at nothing.

She walks back and forth in the same spot

Sometimes she walks in circles.

Look at her – why is she so happy?

Did she say good morning to me?

What the hell is her problem,

Speaking to a stranger don’t she know

It’s 2023?

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