My concept of love has always been distorted. Correction: my concepts of love used to be pretty inaccurate. Parts of my growth mean a change in my perception. 

Sometimes good people cross paths at a time when they should be focused on healing but they – we… we tend to choose to hold on rather than do what is logical. Holding on and trying to force things can easily lead to a volatile outcome. 

I say so many times that moments of weakness made me stay in unhealthy relationships or caused me to be a codependent people pleasing enabler. But I have been able to wipe my lens to reveal something more.

In retrospect, I have been in committed relationships with amazing people. Healthy, loving individuals. But I was not ready to be who they deserved. I can honestly say that there are many people who never got to know the healthy, balanced, positive version of me. And once I became firm in being a better Jessica, I became angered when some people didn’t care to meet this Jessica. The other Jessica had done too much damage. I have had and do have and will continue to have healthy, flourishing friendships. I now see that quality is more important than quantity. And location. 

And as forgiveness is a must, I forgive myself for my detrimental past of hurting others. This extends to past friendships, relationships, and family members who I have caused any pain to. 

My choice to release certain narratives cannot and will not be for approval or acceptance. But initially, that is what I thought healing would do for me. Maybe I envisioned myself stepping into an auditorium and being met with a massive round of applause because, “Hot damn, Jessica is really doing so much better now. She’s healed!” 

My concept of self has always been distorted. Correction: my concepts of self used to be pretty inaccurate. Parts of my growth led to a change in my perception. 

I could go on, and I probably will. But I will save that for another blog post. 

As always, thank you for viewing.