Which version of the vision do I want to believe?
Which one is too much, too big of a task for me?
The growth has become uncomfortable,
It’s inconvenient.
The dreams are intensifying,
There is no more denying
No comfort zone left to hide in.
Interesting how the former people pleaser
No longer finds her self-worth and value through-
Wait, wow.
I see what You did there.
God, You do have a sense of humor,
And comic relief is needed along the journey.
There are days in which the blazing sun
Keeps me balanced,
When endless, anxious pacing becomes trail walking
Feeling the wind whisper to me.
Those days those dreams those moments those confirmations
They outweigh the depths of the lows
In which I spent questioning myself.
Granted sometimes I wake up with the best of intentions,
And I pray and meditate and find that things still go array in sync
For me to crumble to pieces,
I see that a little less of me breaks off,
A little more of me puts helpful skills in place,
A lot more of me loves that radiant face
That stares back in the mirror.
What’s more?
I am pouring the importance of self love into my daughter,
And this and much more critical lessons into my sons.
Never did I ever feel so good
About where I am in life,
Even if I was knocking on the door of self defeat
Just hours prior to such a frequent revelation of gratitude.
I want to live
And show my children
That no matter what you face in this world,
No matter what tries to stop you
From one of the most innate achievements of life,
Happiness,
It is a choice, as are many things.
Even when I was in the lowest places of my life,
Whether that place was:
Locked in a bathroom,
In a parking lot,
In a hospital,
Lost in my identity,
Lost in my head.
They will see my resilience.
They will see that I stepped out of me,
And I anticipate answering those difficult questions.
They deserve that,
I had no clue how to maintain a stable, healthy life but somewhere down the line,
You either do it, or you don’t.
You embrace change and growth, or you don’t.
You listen to the plan, you take that pain and you turn it into purpose, or you could so easily become lost in it.
Trail walking, whispering, talking to God.
