The thing is: healing is the most uncomfortable, ugly, beautiful, freeing but restricted, scary but needed most vulnerable stage in a person’s life. And in my opinion, it is an ongoing necessity and requirement to gather tools needed for different stages of life.
Here are my self-published works from 2012 to 2022. I must say that a significant amount of growth reflects in between the times these collections were published.
This stuff is deep rooted, and it started out extremely dark and loathing. And then things got brighter. And then things got bleak again. I had no way of anticipating the depths and the cycles and patterns that accompany this journey. The bouts of self doubt, the identity confusion, the psychosis-like delusional states that come with stripping through that “old self.”
Well come along, because I am going to share a series of things that make a lot of sense, and a whole lot of things that make no sense at all.
Please stay tuned in, as I will be updating this page of my blog frequently.
I can remember the feeling each time I put together a collection of my writing. It feels amazing to seal pieces of yourself together on a page. In permanent ink. In a published work. But those things mean a lot individually and collectively.
Reflection on February 15, 2023
Escape. Edit .Reinvent. Explode. Seek. Question. Find. Blame. Hide. Deny. Reach. Achieve. Stumble. Stand. Run. Fall. Crawl. Walk. Pace. Peace.
“If I could, I would like to reach out and touch the world with my writing. I have many projects that I plan to unleash and I am excited about sharing the creative thoughts that flow through my fingers.”
-quote by me on the back cover
I was onto something. I mean, I was really really onto something. I published this project in April of 2012.
“A small collection of poems and thoughts from the perceptions of love, pain, abuse, and healing. This collection serves as an introduction to J. D. and her unique perceptions of life.”
A gift is a blessing, but when it’s trapped inside of a disdained vessel, it becomes a tad ineffective. When the message is muddled and wreaks of hypocrisy, how dare I get mad when it isn’t well received? By this point in 2012 I had completed a military enlistment and felt very accomplished, but also had a history of making mistakes that resulted in several labels and diagnoses. I had two children by this time. My boys were ages 7 and almost 2. I had periods of my life in which I was a shining star of accomplishment. All too frequently short lived. I hadn’t yet learned that it isn’t so much about doing well, but more so about maintaining that stability and wellness. By this point in 2012 I had 1 regrettable legal run in and 3 out of 11 psychiatric hospitalizations under my belt.
Anger and anxiety are the most powerful things that have triggered a whirlwind of chaos in my life. Hurt is in there, too, but once I was able to drown out and distract myself from hurt, I was okay. Or was I?
Reflection on February 20, 2023
Secrets & Excuses
Much like the cover of this book, there was a blaze of sorts inside of me. I couldn’t wait to keep going! The end of the same month of the same year as the introductory collection, I published this second part.
Who has time to be patient when they can’t fight the impulse to get something out?!
Please entertain this brief, cliche anecdote:
The fires, me the pyromaniac,
A moth, a flame,
Confusion, and strain.
Extinguish the source or it can so easily reignite.
I think that perhaps 15 years of my self-discovery consisted of blaming. I was able to point out a multitude of things that the world did to me. I was not yet at the level of awareness that shows us our own part in our suffering. And I wouldn’t be until long after this publication.
Healing & Grieving
Avoidance & the OPPOSITE of Mindfulness
A series of “what the fuck” moments! Because I would cross one threshold and then my mind would explode again. Each time it is so tempting to run back into comfort zones. Never have I ever stretched beyond that comfort zone, until most recently.
Healing looks glorious, it is personified by pictures of meditating people, families embracing, nature trails, cleansing raindrops, prayer and forgiveness, and what I summarize as being whole.
I guess if the pictures showed people smashing mirrors and longing to rip their faces off, or having to dial back from their suicidal ideations or moments of paranoia in which they have no idea who to trust thrusting them back into years of self-sabotage … well I guess then we would all permanently stay within our comfort zones.
Reflection on March 26, 2023
Some situations and interactions
Give me a jolt of Deja Vu
Haven’t I – been here before?
All too familiar feelings
And what seem to be cyclones of chaos
That I no longer wish to be lost in.
In the eye of the storm I can
Take a breath and in that moment,
That brief glimmer of what seems like
A taste of clarity,
I must make a series of choices.
I can name at least 10 things that I used to justify my behaviors in the past. “Survival mode,” being the easiest and newest term that I used, which is a real thing. But I can’t go calling my own intentional mistreatment of others “survival mode.” Nice try, Jess.
“Let go and let God ” and forgiveness were always complex and uncomfortable concepts to me, and then I realize that they both bring a form of inner peace.
“Contemplation of My Reflection” was written during a time of intense internal struggle. I was living and briefly working in Norfolk, VA. This was a very “good” period of my life. I was in a management position for a government contracting company. I was sober and thriving, but I was flashy and the opposite of humble. I can recall that I was still operating out of avoidance, and compulsively feeding my ego in the dating world. I think that when anyone, no matter who they are, walks around with their head held too high, things are bound to start crumbling in some form.
To be continued…