Can’t Beat ‘Em, Won’t Join ‘Em

Time to get up as I do not live in regret. Navigating through the hard parts. But guess what? I ain’t done yet.

11:11

Single mother worries, the kind that don’t go away. I hold my head up and pray for better while I maintain gratitude for all that I have now.

I have come to accept many things for what they are, but that doesn’t mean that several realizations eliminate grief.

I keep my distance and keep my eyes on a prize that many don’t understand. It’s not their vision.

Still so much to let go of.

I cannot expect anyone to understand my level of vulnerability. Many things must be left to God, and this part has always been a challenge for me. So many things I wish to rectify myself. And I cannot. I am tired, but I am strong. And plenty stubborn aka resilient.

I find myself still wanting to rant and expose and show bits and pieces of damaging conversations- because right is right and wrong is wrong… but doing so will make me no better than those I do not agree with.

I can’t continue to allow things to hold power over me as I continue to climb towards my destiny, nor can I run away from accountability for my role in the things that cause me anguish.

I can’t beat ‘em, but I won’t join ‘em. A prayer:

God in Heaven,

I thank you for this newfound level of fight within me. Not long after returning to North Carolina, I was ready to call it quits on this life thing, but You have other plans for me.

It is such a blessing that I am able to step out and feel purposeful by working – so easily I could have been bound by the fear of losing a guaranteed income, but You have plans for me.

I had to choose to want to live, and after I chose life and to embark on such a powerful healing journey, I see that challenges continue coming my way. No longer can I react to them like past versions of me – God, I just want to succeed.

I release the compulsion to speak on childhood trauma in a way that hinders me,

or past relationships and my opposition to west coast discrepancies that hold me back as I aim to be the best mother that I can be; many things I don’t understand or agree with, but I cannot go letting them hinder me. You have plans for me.

I pray for those who have ever abused or misled me – I forgive those who did any harm to the younger or older Me. Please continue teaching me forgiveness, so that I may fully forgive myself for my own wrongdoing and mistakes that I made in an unhealthy state of mind – thank you for clarity and wellness today.

I know that I will be able to rid myself of the financial fears and stresses as I make healthy strides – yes it is scary but this part is necessary and I will be able to thrive.

Thank you for life and all of the lessons You have brought to me. Thank you for life and guiding me into my destiny through writing.

Thank you My Creator, God in Heaven.

Amen.

I Swore I Wouldn’t Live in Regret

There will come a day when my children will understand with clarity and maturity, all that I am, all that I was, and all that I fought to be. If you have a moment longer, do read the short poem “I Swore I Wouldn’t Live in Regret” using the link/box below: