Jusjess Poetry

“And when we reach our destination, we are hungry. We are thirsty. We have already flirted with defeat…” 

Have you ever:

• Thought back to an embarrassing moment that you’d do anything to erase? 
• Wished for a “do over” as a way to redeem yourself and not make a mistake that altered the course of your life?

Well I have. Plenty of times. But what I now accept is that there are many things that we cannot change or erase. I am learning to be patient when it comes to my goals and dreams. Never do I want my ambition to reiterate a negative perception of me. I hold my head up high as I walk from a clamorous journey into my version of what peace looks like for me.

Lifelong Goals

All my life I have only ever wanted to be two things for certain: a writer, and a teacher. While in many ways I am already both of those things, what I meant as a child, I’m sure, is that I wanted to be in magazines and write books that people wanted to read. I have always wanted to be an influential figure and teaching is a passion that will not ever subside. Are there more efficient ways to go about both of these life goals? ABSOLUTELY. I found a pace and a balance that seems to work, and although I do want things to happen overnight at times, I am slowing my roll in an effort to keep things steady. 

Motherhood Moves vs the Need to Stay Still

Bouncing around from goal to goal and state to state ambition to ambition just won’t cut it at this point in my life. I look at my son who will turn 18 next month and although I am worried, I am more proud. I have worried about the lack of consistent healthy male influence in his life, but I feel like there are seeds planted by those he once was close to along with the seeds that I try to nourish more and more each day… that have begun to sprout and reflect in his actions.  My 13 year old son and all things involved in bi-coastal co-parenting have certainly been both stressful and beautiful. That’s the thing about these beautiful babies: they grow up and become people who need to be decent human beings and thrive in this world. “Toddler-ing” has been the most intense and if anything teaches me patience nowadays, it’s this beautiful little girl. There are days when my list of ideas and tasks must be set aside because of course Mommy will play with you, read to you, color with you, take you outside in the sun… and so on. 

As the work week approaches, I feel so refreshed and capable. Never mind the rounds of colds and viruses that have been rotating like clockwork into my household. We are getting through all of that, and my simple desire is to reach my goals. Nothing more, nothing less. 

And now, a poetry dump of sorts…

ON SELF-LOVE

Find a way to prioritize self,

addressing all things you long to avoid,

no longevity in void filling,

it’s chilling, how mangled you are after losing each

battle with toxic love. His or hers? It never matters 

when they both end up in a war between 

each battered inner child.

Inside of me are stories,

archives not yet accessed,

I am tired but I am blessed.

Here, I’m cleaning up the mess 

I made, gratefully.

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ON LETTING GO

20,352 Photos 

I see in you things that I saw in Sleeping Beauty,

but to compare you to 

a teenage romance

fused with trauma and fairytale fantasy

reveals to me that I am still not ready.

And that in many ways I still don’t know how to grieve. 

Many things we cannot avoid. 

Reality is one. 

Hi, Cousin. 

Fly high, Butterfly. 

Damn,

I recently stepped foot 

out of a soul war

battling narcissism,

which revealed that 

I am a source of light and I never knew it. 

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ON ACCEPTANCE

What I once folded over 

has no effect on me 

now and I refuse to reiterate 

toxicity. I get it. I see

where I faltered 

but I told you, 

this home

is secure, and these 

walls of safety

for my children will

continue to reinforce 

my voice and while 

it is true that my own mistakes 

started to give my kids a dynamic 

that I never wanted them to feel..

I choose to grow, I choose to heal. 

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“And when we reach our destination, we are hungry. We are thirsty. We have already flirted with defeat…”

It’s affirming to see myself balancing different roles that would have completely overwhelmed me in the past (AND DID)!! There’s so much for me to stay thankful for. I will be posting my chapbook details starting this week. I think… I KNOW that I’m accomplishing things that I used to fear or doubt accomplishing.

Have a blessed day. Thank you for stopping by.

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