Along my quest to be a better me,
I hold myself accountable
And I constantly “check” me.
I used to only invite
enabling people into my space.
We would play tug of war with trauma wounds and pass around spoons full of delusion.
There was no confusion,
We were choosing the lives we had.
As I continuously take steps
towards better I must remember that
I once prayed for the life
that I am currently living.
As a child I told anyone I could:
“I’m going to have a nice house with a room with a big bookshelf full of MY books.”
Little did I know I’d be 35 still dancing a familiar two-step, realizing that something is still missing…
I have been exhausted! I was trying to find a “better” opening for this reflection, but let me remain authentic. I have been navigating my next steps when it comes to my career goals in education, I am crossing off tasks towards towards my chapbook release, and motherhood has surely been trying.
After work, my mind jumps from the needs of my 17 year old to planning a vacation to include my 13 year old to all of the things dealing with the toddler stage, which seems tougher than I remember!
I enjoy the subtle moments of reassurance that pop up every now and then, whether it is the morning after I’ve balled my eyes out in a pitiful moment of self-doubt (because why are those toddler tantrums so intense), or when I sit back and breathe in the energy in my home… and I realize that things are moving, no matter if they are as fast as I’d like for them to be.
My mind is much more organized, and my goals are realistic and obtainable. I simply must do that thing again: GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!
And while it is true that I once prayed for this very stage of life (more clarity in my thought process, working in education again, a better grasp on financial literacy, having a daughter, feeling more confident…), that does not mean that it’s not hard. I love that I’m at the point of not wanting to back out; I refuse to… I am getting too close and I’ve worked too hard.
One day… if I am consistent… and patient:
North Carolina Native – Poet and Nonfiction Author – Jessica Fuller
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