I realized that my quest for love and my misconception of it had begun to scar my children. There are certain scars on my body and in my mind that I never wanted them to inherit. I wish I had followed through on addressing the impact of my dating history sooner, but I choose to move forward and continue making positive change. And that’s on truth and vulnerability. Whew.
✨ ✍🏾 ❤️🩹 ✨
What is it that you seek, Jess?
If anyone asked me what it is that I really want from this journey, I would say again: Freedom. And inner peace. There are so many things that I can’t ever take back. Mistakes that led to long lasting resentment, projection of myself and my fears and shortcomings onto undeserving people… This list can and will go on. Some days I feel the need to explain to an empty auditorium that my healing doesn’t erase horrible things that I’ve said or done, but I must do this honestly, for me.
If a gust of wind
Graces my face
During my speech into nothingness,
Then perhaps the auditorium isn’t as empty as it seems.
Perhaps I am not alone, even though I am okay being alone.
When the look in the mirror reveals too much:
It’s domestic violence awareness month, and I feel like a hypocrite as I look back on past situationships full of tension and quarrels, lies and manipulation, and fights. We often dismiss the realness of same sex intimate partner violence, and burn houses down when it exists within heterosexual homes. I look back and can see how, through my own toxic patterns, I did fit the mold for the very thing that I am speaking out against now. For some things, there will never be a justifiable excuse, and for many things I still pray for forgiveness.
Shortcomings and Perspectives – My Conscience is a Gateway to Freedom
I was listening to the audiobook I Wouldn’t Take Nothing for My Journey Now by Maya Angelou. The depths of the lessons that I take in from her voice and her writing are intensified when I also look back in regret for not finding a way to meet her when she was a professor in my hometown of Winston-Salem, North Carolina. For some things, there are simply no adequate excuses. I had been speaking her name as a source of inspiration since before my first attempt at an undergraduate education. Simply no excuse.
She mentions in Chapter 1 of her audiobook that we must remember that everyone and everything are God’s creations.
This helped me to come to this: I choose to accept that abusers, misogynists, manipulators and mask wearers are God’s creation, and I accept that although I am now a much more compassionate person, I too was once a representation of the characteristics I mentioned. If I were to label and hate those who are what I once was, well then that goes against all that I am doing now. I am a child of God, too.
Are you still with me? I hope so.
Dr. Maya Angelou mentioned that experiences with other people are gifts, and that no matter how different we are, the best way to deal with indifferences is to remember our own shortcomings and practice forgiveness.
I believe that I have worked hard to embrace this forgiveness thing, but I would be lying if I told the world that I get it and that I fully practice it.
Learning myself is becoming a tad intense, but I am always grateful. Always.
As I said, there are many things that I have done in which I have yet to ask for forgiveness for, as I spent most of my life blaming the world for my chaos. As I heal and continue to write, the only option left for me is honesty and vulnerability.
Writing my acrostic poem CLARITY revealed so much to me, and it sure was fun to write. Never have I been what they consider a prude, but there were many instances and stages and moments in which I could have benefitted from being one.
Clarity seems more feasible now that I’m not
Excusing every empathic
Lover’s quarrel and
It becomes clear the intentions when
Between legs temperate
Avoidance is no longer a place to
Cling to anyone’s unresolved
Years of fermented affliction
Writing My Way Into My Destiny
I love how there are no restrictions to what I write here. This blog is my own, and I invest my time, energy, and money into it. It’s mine.
Anyway, I do my best not to blame sexual trauma for my years of promiscuity. I do wish that they would have told me that new concept of how when you’re underage and certain things happen with adults, the adults are the ones who should feel guilty. But healing is bringing me mounds of peace when it comes to certain experiences.
This next stage will be about transformation and displaying the courage that already exists within a rebel. I have no more reasons, no more excuses… to dim my own light any longer.
Thanks for stopping by.
You can find my acrostic poem here, in the post “I Can See You Better With My Legs Closed.”
I always welcome comments, interacting, and the sharing of posts on my blog that may resonate with you.
Do check back as I have another reflection that I’ll be posting soon that will supplement this post. If you haven’t become an email subscriber yet, come along:
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