Anyway I thought I’d drop this off, and I know that you know, My Handful of Ex-Lovers, the types of situations and circumstances that make it difficult for me to express myself in a healthy way.
You also know then, Handful of Ex-Lovers, that I prefer to write my feelings out, which did annoy a handful of you. And probably still does.
Did you know that after leaving stressful, albeit triggering and traumatizing situations, that it can take a lot of time to fully process what events took place? Sheesh, it’s not as simple as leaving!
It’s not as simple as “get over it,” or as easy as “you left, so no need to stress the past (even if that past is a very recent past)” and all that.
What I realized that applies to me and a handful of you:
- Our relationship was toxic
- I was toxic
- You were toxic
- The relationship was abusive
- The relationship was unhealthy
And that’s all I need to say on that part.
But, I do have one request:
On the note of your desire to exert control over my emotions and my personal goals… and my life : Request Denied.
You see, I have done a miraculous thing for myself: I have been alone. And while my previous pattern which was also your pattern, my handful of lovers, was to never be alone with self: I have come to value it.
I understand what it’s like to not enjoy one’s own company. I know what it’s like, but for too long I sabotaged my own shit and then blamed it on empathy. Then I learned that empathy is not a valid excuse to be toxic.
I have faced myself, and I own my shit. I won’t be waiting for you to do the same.
So as I move on and heal from my shit, your shit, and all the shit involved, I just ask that you let me be. You can paint our tainted picture any way that you’d like. Just do keep your delusions away from me.
Respectfully, well as respectful as I can be after all of that,
Empathy Was My Excuse to Be Toxic
This is a fine time to reshare my pieces on toxic love and empathy. Imagine the intensity of the moment when I realized my role in the woes of many of my past relationships! That reflective part of healing… I didn’t expect it to be so difficult, then so freeing.
My Empathy Was My Excuse to Be Toxic posts are in two parts. I am not sure if I’ll edit or continue this series of reflections. I’ll sit on that thought. Both posts are embedded below.
The first one is a pretty deep reflection:
The second one is a clever poem:
Jusjess Poetry – Writing My Way Into My Destiny
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