But I am so Grateful for the Dark Times
Fear of the dark. Avoiding my shadow. Fear of myself.
Flushing fresh flesh wounds atop old ones that I thought were healed.
Such is life.
Throughout much of my life I had this intense fear of the dark and a seemingly odd interest in my shadow. I am just now learning the purpose of shadow work, and it still blows my mind that there are so many in-depth connections to healing, spiritual journeys, and my childhood.
I attribute most of my shadow work to being consistent in therapy. Never have I ever been consistent in such a journey. Other helpful tools I found on social media and doing my own research.
Why am I grateful for dark times (and my shadow)?
I had to experience a series of events and emotions. It was important to capture the moments and take mental notes of how the old me would have reacted in certain situations.
Uncomfortable is an understatement. I had to get to the cusp of abhorring myself. Just enough to take a deeper look inside of me.
Ransacking closets. Skulls roll.
Kick the bones.
Slam the door.
Shattered splinters of what used to be.
Mask of the day
Another occasion to rot through emptiness.
In you I saw
How exhausting. Aren’t you so very tired?
But Was I Not Doing the Very Same Thing? I was operating out of a dark place, too.
I will reach my destiny when I fully stop operating out of ego and pride
Fully accepting that there are experiences that I can no longer hide
in. I must open my heart and release my childhood anguish.
And I release it now.
Isolation in Transition – No other choice but to acknowledge my shadow.
But I was never really alone. God is always with me. And while there were many things that I didn’t understand or accept, everywhere I went so did my little baby girl that I prayed to Him for.
Trail Walk Whispers – An Older Poem that I wrote
Which version of the vision do I want to believe?
Which one is too much, too big of a task for me?
The growth has become uncomfortable,
The dreams are intensifying,
There is no more denying
No comfort zone left to hide in.
Interesting how the former people pleaser
No longer finds her self-worth and value through-
I see what You did there.
God, You do have a sense of humor,
And comic relief is needed along the journey.
There are days in which the blazing sun
Keeps me balanced,
When endless, anxious pacing becomes trail walking
Feeling the wind whisper to me.
Those days those dreams those moments those confirmations
They outweigh the depths of the lows
In which I spent questioning myself.
Granted sometimes I wake up with the best of intentions,
And I pray and meditate and find that things still go array in sync
For me to crumble to pieces,
I see that a little less of me breaks off,
A little more of me puts helpful skills in place,
A lot more of me loves that radiant face
That stares back in the mirror.
I am pouring the importance of self-love into my daughter,
And this and much more critical lessons into my sons.
Never did I ever feel so good
About where I am in life,
Even if I was knocking on the door of self-defeat
Just hours prior to such a frequent revelation of gratitude.
I want to live
And show my children
That no matter what you face in this world,
No matter what tries to stop you
From one of the most innate achievements of life,
It is a choice, as are many things.
Even when I was in the lowest places of my life,
Whether that place was:
Locked in a bathroom,
In a parking lot,
In a hospital,
Lost in my identity,
Lost in my head.
They will see my resilience.
They will see that I stepped out of me,
And I anticipate answering those difficult questions.
They deserve that,
I had no clue how to maintain a stable, healthy life but somewhere down the line,
You either do it, or you don’t.
Listen to the plan,
Take that pain and you turn it into purpose, or you could so easily become lost in it.
Trail walking, whispering, talking to God.
Yesterday I realized that there is no end to healing. And rather than viewing this as a daunting task I now view it as the path to continued living. This life is a good life, I affirm.
Shadows as Reflections
At times I feel like a mirror
Mirroring the actions of others
Others seem to not give a f**k what they say
Say you love me
Me Who is me Who are you
You seem confused
Confused dazed and amazed
A maze of mystery and bulls**t
Bulls**t was a fun card game cuz I lie
Lies living in fantasy the spreading of thighs
Thigh highs were a thing are they still cool now
Nowadays society is trippin’
Tripping slipping trying to figure this stuff out
Out of the way to avoid the truth
Truth is none of us have it all figured out
I’m out here b*tchin about the struggles of mediocre living but also made it out of nothing so to speak.
Complaining makes me feel weak,
And so, I reflect daily, knowing simplistic ways of being are just fine with me.
Intention is everything. The test that almost brought out my worst self. That shadow wanted to pop out. Thank God for growth.
After posting my villanelle, I felt some unsettling things that point me back to accountability. I was able to identify the parts of myself that became triggered and by being mindful, I was able to avoid acting in a way that contradicted my goals.
Thank you for viewing. I affirm that my story has value. And that I will keep going through this lifetime with an open mind and an open heart.
Fast forward – major growth posts to share!
Acceptance and Patience: The Keys to Reaching My Goals
“And when we reach our destination, we are hungry. We are thirsty. We have already flirted with defeat…”
(Read full post using link box below:)
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