Taking a Reflective Look at the Tests that Life Brings
This villanelle was written during a trying time. I had just gotten into an apartment with my oldest son, my baby girl, and our chihuahua after leaving an unhealthy relationship. It was the last experience that I needed to wake me up and make me want to work harder to do better. As if the patterns that I had just repeated weren’t enough, Jessica was now playing house and trying to help another abuser grow. It was a tough experience, but it speaks volumes to my needs to forgive and to continue redefining my concepts of love.
Learning from traumatic experiences, especially the ones that I placed into my life, has increased my gratitude. I am grateful for the hotel stays that were funded and for every veterans and domestic violence resource that helped me to transition. I moved into a rental. Just like the hotels, I made it homey. Many things went wrong while living there (with the property conditions and the manners in which management operated). I had to maintain gratitude and continue to take in all lessons that were being given to me.
My children and I have since moved back into a community that I loved since moving back to North Carolina in 2021. My children and I are happy and healthy. And safe. I still take in troubling times with a perspective of gratitude.
The Apartment Living Experience that Increased my Gratitude
This villanelle was written as a way to keep myself reminded that hard times don’t last always. The building had some pretty horrible leakage for a span of days, as seen in the photo at the end of the poem. I passed that test I must say, because I had almost considered returning to the home that I shared with my ex!
Life Ain’t as Sweet as This Villanelle
Looking back at the stuff I bought
Some things with purpose some things just for fun
Life ain’t as sweet as little me thought
Silly, sassy, stubborn but I took in school lessons taught
Accomplishments made me feel like someone
Notoriety and applause stopped, leaving me distraught
I am not the shape shifting unpredictable fighter like they thought
Lonely lanes of life forcing me to undo bad things done
It was much easier being a f**k up, no purpose, sitting to rot
But I didn’t want permanent psych ward living or three hots and a cot
Pointing the blame everywhere else forgetting that I am the one
Who chooses my avenue, professor or harlot
The spectrum is broad no need to lay out a plot
I’ve made peace and happiness has begun
Cuz even in solitude I reflect “what is it that I sought?”
Girl, you better get it together wipe those tears and snot
How dare you wanna stare down the barrel of a gun?
We all have purpose amidst plight moments, at least you’ve grown to let your spirals be caught
Okay, I’ll stop trippin just cuz life ain’t as sweet as little me thought.
These and many other trying moments led to a rebirth of perspective and a closer relationship with God. And a newfound love for myself. I love the thought of being able to take in lessons that can aid my children when/if they found themselves in certain situations
Intimate partner violence (domestic violence) does not solely consist of physical violence. It also consists of emotional and financial circumstances.
She Didn’t Want to be Treated Like Mama
Seeds of Nirvana – Marvelous Life
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