The wildest thing that I have realized feeds into my repetitive attempts at insanity – stay with me this has a beautiful ending…
Is my extreme desire to feel that I belong
Somewhere.
But before I go off into an additional spiral similar to the one that I became trapped in during the late hours of the night while also staring at a beautiful moon…
Why the hell didn’t I get a picture of that beauty?!
Because I was stuck in my head searching ways to explain BPD to loved ones, I became stuck in the list of symptoms and each time I saw words like no cure and constant mood shifts and clingy and extreme and need for approval …
And THIS downloadable pamphlet and THAT helpful website and a really clever article that I saw which I do want to share the link here because I find that ADDitude Mag has been a really beneficial resource:
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-and-bpd-women-borderline-personality-disorder/
Anyway I was spiraling really badly in the late hours of the night. It started with hours of intense improvements of my blog. And a sleepy, but very proud poet was happy to be getting her ducks in a row.
All of this shortly after a nice boost of determination.
Somewhere along the lines of focus meets determination meets passion meets twisted self image meets I GOTTA LEAVE NORTH CAROLINA AGAIN …
I began to feel defeated. It’s like on one hand all of this internal work and on the other hand (these other articles, not the one I shared a link to) had me feeling as though no matter what I do I’ll have these labels and constant battles with myself.
Will I work again? Will I have a happy, healthy flourishing partnership to live out my days in happiness and healthy love with?
What is my goal for all of this therapy and medication and … all of this hard work?!
And I may attempt some additional rest, but I know that I can’t afford those spirals. When I am in the lowest of my low places the very people I long to feel connected to won’t be available. In fact one of those amazing people is no longer here with me on earth.
So reflecting on missed opportunities and how many will send me to voicemail or how many will read a message and not respond… or how many will yell at me as I stutter and talk in circles…
Whilst all I am trying to do is write. I don’t want to display the past versions of myself that they do not have time for – I… long for them to know the Jessica I am today.
Anyway…
Do you see how that can all lead me nowhere? So instead I woke up and created a poem. Here it is:
As always, thank you for viewing.
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