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Thank God that we are not still in days of forced cultural survival mode in which we don’t have time to focus on mental health. Now it comes down to choice.

Every reaction to a situation is not trauma related. Not everything a person with BPD does is due to borderline personality disorder. Not every quirk is due to ADHD.

I am learning to discern between those who have genuine intentions and those who use my diagnoses to gaslight me.

At times I feel that to have thick skin speaks to the need for emotion regulation.

If I am being honest, do you mean that I must filter the honesty based upon the person I am being honest with? Well that would surely be tough! 

Because now you mean I need to be mindful of my levels of openness which feeds into my untrusting thoughts which doesn’t necessarily mean that I am seeing from an unhealed lens it just means …

I am in therapy, but I am not all that crazy. In fact, I use plenty of helpful coping skills to help me keep my thought clarity. And medication. Medication has been helpful for me, and I will no longer deny this fact.

There’s a fine line between gaslighting my history of being unwell and trying to tell me that my natural intuition is far-fetched. Trust me, I have definitely seen and experienced the difference. 

I accept that all audiences don’t respond well to my type of personality. 

It’s not about funnels of rejection. It’s about selection. I have to be selective. But I also know very well when I am being dismissed, ignored, and lied to. I wonder how often other people like me start to funnel and loathe themselves due misconceptions that they helped to reiterate of who they are.

Every reaction to a situation is not trauma related. Not everything a person with BPD does is due to borderline personality disorder. Not every quirk is due to ADHD.

When I look at photos and memories and try my best not to be triggered by social media, a very familiar scene pops into my mind. It’s reoccurring, similar to repetitive dreams about 3 homes I frequented as a child, but you know, with a seriously intense, vivid and disturbing twist.

Anyway, the familiar scene in my head is like this: 

“It’s Christmastime, there’s snow on the North Carolina grass. I walk towards a home, a safe haven of sorts. Peeking inside through the frosted window and I see love. Warmth. Happiness. I don’t knock, and I never had to knock on this door, really. I stand there. Watching from the outside. I just stand there. They are eating, laughing, and having warm drinks. There is a mistletoe. I watch and try to read their minds. In my mind I narrate their drive to this home, this gathering. What does that feel like? Is it real? Like… wow the plethora of gifts and smiles.”

NOW THIS SCENE IS MORE SO WHAT I WOULD ATTRIBUTE TO MY BPD. It has played in my mind for years. YEARS! And it goes the same way each time.

See, there is a part of this journey that I do not expect many to understand. And they don’t have to want to try to, either. I am doing the work but that detached feeling, I am afraid, will continue to enter and leave and enter and leave my mind. I compare my personality to narcissism at times because even though borderline and narcissistic personalities seem to operate a tad differently, are they not both trying to figure out how to fill an internal void of sorts? Thus suffering endlessly? Okay maybe that’s extreme to say!

I do want for all generations of families to consider the following:

We actually know that no mental illness is an excuse to be disrespectful, abusive, or any other form of danger to self and/or others. I have used such terms as “hypocrites,” “liars,” “abusers,” and I remember writing many unhealthy selections that wreaked hate towards many people. It is true that I often possess a distorted sense of self and that oftentimes I do not know my place in any setting. Naturally, family and friendships are not saved from this constant battle. I find myself constantly struggling to understand the concepts of family. And love. That is no one else’s responsibility.

I applaud the notion of healing and wellness being a choice and that people can “deal with” or “tolerate” who they want to.

Read “Under Mind” in a new tab here: https://jusjesspoetry.org/2023/06/28/under-mind/

Acceptance and accountability are often met with internal questioning and acknowledgement that my loved ones just may be exhausted from my turmoil.

Thank God that we are not still in the days of forced cultural survival mode in which we don’t have time to focus on mental health. Now it comes down to choice.

I do a thing called “Checking the Facts,” and I won’t lie, it has helped so much. Because DBT therapy has changed my life, and for two years I have been seeing an amazing therapist who I can say directly helped me see that I needed to and was worthy of leaving abusive and unhealthy people as I am very giving but much of why I give my all has been due to not feeling worthy enough to show up anywhere at anytime, with just myself. This feeds my willingness to deplete myself and then become enraged when it is not reciprocated.

Thus everyone sees my reaction with no clue as to what led to it.

Again, all my responsibility and why I must stay mindful.

I am not sure who this post will reach but I saw an interesting video from  a content creator discussing unmasking, which has been a frequent topic I am finding. I am curious to know the different perspectives of others. 

It’s safe to say that I am beginning to recognize my progress.

A reflective poem of my journey to inner peace is attached below. Selecting the image link below will take you to it.

Read my inner peace poem in a new tab here: https://jusjesspoetry.org/2023/06/19/journey-to-inner-peace/

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One response to “ON THE TOPIC OF UNMASKING, Gaslighting & Intuition – ADHD & BPD”

  1. […] ON THE TOPIC OF UNMASKING, Gaslighting & Intuition – ADHD & BPD Read in new tab: https://jusjesspoetry.org/2023/06/04/unmasking-gaslight-adhd-bpd/ […]

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