Whom would I be?

If that hadn’t happened, whom would I be? Truth be told, I would not be me. I jokingly state that I am a walking experiment, as if I chose to expose myself to so many walks of life that not only would I become lost, but I would have to fight to find myself again.

For, drowning in others and patching their wounds only to absorb their characteristics isn’t much fun. 

But I am the one. I am the one who would shield a stranger from being harmed yet not understand why that stranger would run off into the distance rather than turn around and pull me up.

For that stranger was indeed the reason I fell trying to help. Or were they?

If that hadn’t happened, I wonder if I would have the tools to adequately raise my daughter. To teach  her who she can be. To advise her not to be so naive as me. 

My sons saw many things happen.

For, how backdated could regret truly be? Every last hurt helped to mold me. 

Every misstep

Every stumble shortly after I lept over a hurdle

Every feat

Every pitter patter

Every child

Every success

Every defeat,

If they hadn’t happened? 

Who would Jessica be?

Life is amazing and it is a challenge, you must have internal peace. You have to find your balance. You cannot “pour from an empty cup,” they say. But they also swear they can pray your individuality away.

And so today I take in bits and pieces that can aid my wellbeing. I am receptive enough to hear the message but no longer as naive so as to allow anyone’s ways to sway me into a perpetual doom. If all of it hadn’t happened, surely I would have been way gone, way too soon.

Dear life: thank you. Dear growth: that one hurt a bit, but I get it.